I don’t think that I grew up in a compliment culture. Certain things were expected of you. You had to keep your room clean, and you had to make good grades. Those things were a given. They did not make you exceptional in any way, and no one was going to give a pat on the back for it. Sure, teachers would compliment me for being a good student, but in our household I don’t really remember hearing phrases like, “I’m proud of you” or “Good job.” It wasn’t really until I moved to Europe that I started to hear those sorts of positive affirmations, and I realized that I didn’t know what to do with them. It was as if someone had added a new seasoning to my spice rack, but they didn’t tell me what recipes I should use it in.

I still remember the first time someone very close to me said, “I’m proud of you,” at the end of our conversation. It was like a closing remark. It caught me off guard because as far as I could tell, I hadn’t done anything to deserve it. In our conversation, I hadn’t announced something I had accomplished. I was genuinely confused. So, my response was pretty dry. I said, “For what?” He said, “I’m just proud of the person you are.” I think I said, “Hmm” out loud before I said, “Thank you.”

There are other times when compliments make me feel as though I have a standard to uphold. When I received a compliment on a report I wrote for class, writing the next report became harder because I felt as though there was now an expectation. When I received a glowing recommendation letter from a previous supervisor, I was almost hesitant to use it to land another internship position, because I didn’t want them to expect the person that was being described in the letter. If I cooked something, and I was told that it delicious, I was afraid to make the same dish again incase it didn’t turn out as well as the previous time I’d made it. Compliments didn’t make me stand taller. Instead, I started to slouch under the weight of the pressure.

I’m trying to learn that compliments can be an affirmation of the gifts I can’t see or, even worse, take for granted. I’m making a conscious effort to embrace compliments as beacons that shine a light on areas I may need to pay closer attention to. I want to train myself to use a compliment as a trigger for gratitude (being grateful for the appreciation/acknowledgement) and/or reflection (thinking of how I can nurture or further develop the thing that I’m being complimented on).

I also try to be intentional with the compliments that I give. When possible, I will use an example of something the person did or said to illustrate the characteristic that I want to draw attention to. I want them to know that my words are genuine and that their skills (whether in word or deed) are impactful.